Yes I'm Pregnant!

So if you haven’t already heard the news on my podcast, YouTube channel, or all my social media platforms… surprise! Yes I’m pregnant. My husband and I are expecting a baby girl in October, and it’s still so surreal.

Having a child is something I just always assumed I would do. I grew up in a wonderful family, had a great childhood, and since it just seems like everyone has kids one day- I couldn’t see why it would be any different for me. I even planned out my life when I was young: I’d meet the perfect man at 25, get married at 30, and then have my first child around 32. But, as they say: life is what happens when you are making other plans.

I did get married at 30, but after 4 years the marriage fell apart. I was deeply unhappy, and afraid to leave my husband because I thought I was too old to find someone else. To start the journey all over again and find a new husband, and then try for a child just seemed an impossible task to achieve in the few years I had left in the window of fertility. So I convinced myself that my current husband— as much as I didn’t love him— would at least serve his role in what I thought was the ultimate goal in every woman’s life: to start a family.

And then one day I had an epiphany. What if— and I know this sounds crazy— but WHAT IF having children didn’t actually need to be the end all and be all goal of my life? What if… maybe I didn’t want kids as much as I thought I should? And then I realized, I was really just caving into the societal pressure that a woman’s only worth is whether or not she became a mother. I mean, that’s what my mother had pretty much taught me, that’s what (most of) my friends, and movies, and all the media in the world told me. But what if I could be just fulfilled on my own? Once that thought occurred to me, there was no reason to stay miserable in my marriage. And so I filed for divorce.

I wish I could say that I was suddenly completely free, that I never doubted my decision, that I never felt the pangs of guilt at the idea I would never give my parents grandchildren, that I was never in fear that I would regret the decision to not actively try for children… of course doubt creeped into my mind many times. But I also felt ok that I was following my heart, and trusting that I could be ok because I did what I thought was the right thing to do, and I was living my life for ME, not for anyone else.

And then I met my current husband (we’ll call him Trex). And I began to warm to the idea of starting a family with this man, because for once in my life, I was completely and totally in love. And it wasn’t that silly kind of desperate, teenager love that burns bright and flames out… this was a comfortable love, one where I felt completely secure and cared for, one where I never got sick of his company, and for the first time I totally trusted someone else with all my heart.

As our relationship progressed, I saw what an incredible father Trex would be. He had nephews who adored him, and he was just such a good, solid man, the kind of guy who you could totally picture with kids. But he’s a few years younger than me, and though my biological clock was ticking, I wasn’t feeling it. I never got baby fever, I never romanticized about the idea of having children. What I did feel was guilt and a tremendous amount of fear that I could not give this man children because of my age. And when I asked Trex how he felt about kids, he would always reply that he didn’t mind if it was just the two of us and the dogs, and that he would be satisfied with that.

I of course never really believed him. But my husband is the kind of man who understood I feared I was too old to bear children, and he knew that if he told me he wanted kids and I didn’t deliver, that I would blame myself for all eternity. So he never pressured me. Trex plays hockey so we decided to “pull the goalie from the net” and just see what happened. Essentially we left it up to the universe because I simply couldn’t bring myself to really try… because, in truth, I was too afraid to fail. If we never officially tried, then I could never officially fail.

And then, at 41, the universe decided. In January of 2020 I took a pregnancy test, and a pink plus sign appeared. At first, I couldn’t really believe it. So I took another one. Same result. I was both terrified and excited, this was the real deal.

I’m 16 weeks now and it still feels surreal. I haven’t had any morning sickness or hormonal mood swings, so sometimes I forget I’m pregnant. But then I try to put my old pants on, and… nope. My boobs have gotten so big I had to buy new bras (I’m a D cup now!). When I see the baby moving around in the sonogram I’m truly in awe. I have a FUCKING ALIEN INSIDE ME THIS IS SO CRAZY! But most of the time I just feel, well— normal.

I’m looking at nursery furniture. I’m getting advice on the best strollers. My mother is calling me EVERY DAY. This is real. And I’m taking you all on this journey with me.